Sex and the Ivy

The Truth About Mr. Perfect

Filed under: Love, Men — Elle August 26, 2006 @ 10:53 pm

So you’ve courted her with long conversations, expensive dinners, and just-because gifts. So you’ve stood outside her door brandishing “To me, you are perfect” signs à la Love Actually. So you’ve gone out of your way and made constant sacrifices just to get more face time with her. So despite all of the above, years of patient waiting, and your best intentions, she still won’t wake up and realize that you’re not just the perfect guy – you’re the perfect guy for her.

Could it be that the object of your obsession – ahem, affection – is just too blind to see the light? Or do you need to hit up Barnes & Noble for the male version of “He’s Just Not That Into You”?

The subject of the above narrative shouldn’t be an object of sympathy. Far from a victim, he’s packaged his unfortunate plight into a delectably pathetic story. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Girl turns her back on the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Except in his skewed account of a fairy tale romance gone wrong, the male protagonist leaves out one crucial fact: he’s a fucking psycho.

He has more self-pity than a terminally ill puppy, but none of its innocent charm. Worst than an asshole, sketchier than a MySpace holler, it’s the often dreaded, ever omnipresent Mr. Perfect. For the lucky gals who have yet to encounter their very own Mr. Perfect, let me clarify: this isn’t some foolish sap who has been unlucky in love. We’re talking about the self-proclaimed perfect guys who are anything but, opening their wallets in hopes that you’ll spread open your legs. We’re talking the stalkerish admirers who give persistence a bad name, taking “no’s” as “maybe’s” and silence as “okay’s.” We’re talking the wannabe sugar daddies whose unsolicited gifts come with strings, rings, and everything but your consent attached. Scores of girls reading this are sitting up with shocks of recognition. We’re talking about every gal’s worst nightmare.

Harsh, I know, but more than one of my friends has fallen victim to Mr. Perfects who just won’t take a hint. In their pursuit, these guys claim selflessness in delivering just what the woman wants. But last I checked, inappropriately extravagant presents and forced one-on-one time are hardly any girl’s dream of true love. It’s purposeful meddling, however, that distinguishes between the misguided ones and the sociopaths. Unwilling to admit that there might be equally qualified suitors out there, Mr. Perfect stubbornly clings onto his misnomer of a title, not letting his girl settle for anything less than him. Even if it takes outright interference in her life, he’ll make sure the path to her heart is cleared only for him.

Sad? Yes. Scary? Definitely. Melodramatic? Not in the least bit when considering that all of the above is standard fare for at least one guy I know.

Mr. Perfect, I know how tough you have it. So here’s a list just for you, the ten signs it’s time to give up:

    1. Despite your best attempts to track her every movement, she’s getting more elusive each day.
    2. She’s moved on. To another state.
    3. You have to digitally reproduce the one photo you have of the two of you (taken long before this obsession developed), because it’s getting frayed at the edges from years of “use.”
    4. You’ve abandoned your friends and all contact with the outside world in order to better focus on your singular mission. No one’s noticed the difference.
    5. It’s been over a year … since the restraining order.
    6. You’re torn between her being the perfect woman and her being “the bitch who doesn’t know what’s good for her.”
    7. You’re beginning to wonder about the timeframe for playing hard to get.
    8. You tried to drown your sorrows once but you swear you saw her face at the bottom of the bottle.
    9. You worry she’s no longer the sweet 14-year-old you fell in love with.
    10. She’s involved with someone else. Her husband.

Inspired by Minishorts’ Terrifying Mr. Nice Guys

5 Responses to “The Truth About Mr. Perfect”

  1. jo Says:

    nice

  2. cyin Says:

    I thought I had read this (or something similar) somewhere. Henry Wang copied an exerpt from a “Lorna”’s livejournal, which was an exerpt from someplace else.

  3. elle Says:

    I sent Lorna the minishorts.net link, which led to her entry, and Henry wrote a response to her entry in his Xanga.

  4. Calvin Says:

    gotta love the ellipsis.. mix it up there :)

  5. christine Says:

    you people kill me. as in you, “lora”, and henry. and i mean kill in the best way possible.

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