Sex and the Ivy

How I’m Having Sex with The Transporter

Filed under: Berklee, Men, Sex — Elle August 28, 2006 @ 1:26 am

I spent Sunday at Lora’s with the DD Squad (my friends from home), gorging myself on her homemade pho and The Transporter 2. The movie turned out to be surprisingly good, and I’m not a fan of action flicks at all.

Okay, so maybe I was less enamored with the actual film than I was with the male lead. The girls were all in agreement on this one: Jason Statham is hot shit. I’m not one to entertain celebrity crushes either; my last infatuation was with a Backstreet Boy at age 12, after which I grew out of teenybopper-esque infatuations altogether. But this was before the Transporter. Statham is another breed of man completely. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact qualities he exudes but his very presence is turn-on – from the accent to the attitude to the stoicism. Mostly though, I think it’s the stoicism. Bullets, bombs, boobs – he’s not fazed by anything.

Basically, I want to have sweaty, stoic sex with Mr. Statham.

That might actually be easier than it sounds. Last spring, I dated a musician who’s a deadringer for the actor. Not merely a singer, songwriter, and guitarist, Berklee happens to be a fairly passable Statham lookalike, give or take an inch of height and some muscle mass.

Berklee also holds a place on the very short list of guys I’ve slept with who continue to acknowledge my existence (as someone other than “the self-obsessed Asian feminazi from Harvard” that is). Because he was hands-down the coolest non-Harvardian I’ve met in Boston, I acted decidedly un-bitchy to him post-involvement. How uncharacteristic of me! Our friendly rapport since then means exchanging the occasional friendly (re: flirtatious) text message. Tonight, friendly (re: suggestive) texting led to a friendly (re: loaded with sexual innuendo) conversation, during which I remembered the first movie I saw Jason Statham in.

A shared memory, it turns out. Sometime last March-ish, Berklee and I rented Snatch. Since I recall the opening sequence but not much else, I can only assume that fantastic sex with the Statham doppelganger prevented me from fully appreciating the screen presence of Statham himself. Kind of a shame. Had I discovered his sexual appeal then, I could’ve used Berklee for fantasy fulfillment purposes months ago. Now I have to wait until September.

Speaking of which, we’ve been in negotiations for an early September booty call. I’m hesitant to engage in “ex sex” since I’ve only hooked up with an ex once, and that terrible decision caused a decent amount of heartbreak, drama, and estrangement. Then again, that was in high school three years ago and involved a good four or five other parties (it was an incestuous group, okay?) As far as I can tell, there’s no possibility of an equally disastrous result this time around. He can pretend to be the bulletproof, emotionally unavailable badass and I can be that Asian girl thrown over his shoulders. What could possibly go wrong?

For Berklee’s sake at least, any doubts I’ve had are now more or less eliminated by my reckless hormones. I’m fairly sure that tonight’s movie selection has sealed the deal for our fall term romp, though what the precise deal encompasses I’ve yet to decide …

4 Responses to “How I’m Having Sex with The Transporter”

  1. "Berklee" Says:

    I’m sorry to say that I haven’t seen either of the Transporter films. Friends at the school that i’ve apparently adopted the name of have been calling me “Turkish” (Statham’s character in Snatch) as one of many pet names for years. This blog failed to mention that the singing and guitar playing quality that “Berklee” displays more than makes up for the discrepancy in muscle mass and british accent. But overall, I enjoyed the hell out of it. See you in September Ivy!

  2. elle Says:

    A note on psuedonyms: Probably would’ve opted for the nickname “Turkish” had I known of it. Instead, you are stuck with an exceedingly obvious, couple-clicks-on-Facebook “Berklee.”

    And as for “Ivy”? You’re getting ahead of yourself. I have carefully planned pen names on four-year cycles. Lola just expired. Elle is next. Ivy is reserved for my mid-twenties.

  3. Samantha Says:

    I saw this movie last night, Louis said she was “dirty hot” and I said Jason Statham looked like white Bruce Lee when he had his shirt off doing the kung fu stuff.

  4. elle Says:

    I now have an intense desire to watch the first Transporter. According to a friend, it’s basically a hodgepodge of Asian stereotypes. Whoo-hoo, time for a East-West cultural critique!

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