Sex and the Ivy

Best of Text Messages

Filed under: College, Life, Men, Partying — Elle October 30, 2006 @ 6:17 pm

I was wiping out my text messages today when I came across several gems illustrating just how sketchy my life can be. Here are some of the most questionable text messages I’ve received in the past month and a half. Most of these will only make sense/be funny/be mortifying to my roommates. And the people who sent them, obvs.

Most Coercive
“I’m in a car with my friend’s parents. We need ALCOHOL and the stores stop selling at 11, so you have to buy it before then. Work it out.” –ZAP3, Sat Oct 21 9:36 pm

Least Comforting
“Not coming home tonight. Will explain later.” –A slutty unnamed blockmate, Mon Oct 9 2:36 am

Still Not Comforting
“Deliriously happy. Not coming home.” –Another slutty unnamed blockmate, Sat Sep 23 12:06 am

Most Meanspirited
“Nice fall.” –Witness to a drunken slip sent about five seconds after it occurred, Sun Oct 22 1:06 am

Most Justifiable
“You guys are terrible. I hate you all.” –Terra in a mass text message to the blocking group after we ditched her, Sat Sep 30 1:11pm

Most Awkward
“I love you.” –An ex at midnight PST, Sun Oct 8 3:01 am

Least Decipherable
“Lena.” –A socialist, Sun Oct 22 12:59 am

And of course, RANDOM BOOTY TEXTS:

“Let’s get fucked up.” –Random guy I met at the Fly, Fri Oct 27, 9:37 pm

“Hey, you still up?” –An unnamed Matherite, Sat Oct 7, 12:57 am

“Can you come to my room in 10 min?” –Another unnamed Matherite, Fri Sept 29, 12:59 am

“Hi make out buddy!” –Yet another unnamed Matherite, Sun Sep 24, 11:28 am

In conclusion, I live with sluts and sketchy boys who want to sleep with me.

6 Responses to “Best of Text Messages”

  1. Miss Blackout Says:

    an IM received Wed 10/25 circa 2:00am from anonymous Owl Club member:

    wanna bone like the good old days?

    a series of text messages received on the night of Sat 10/28 from anonymous AD Club member:

    1) u know i just wanna eat u out and i feel like i missed out on something else. and u know im good at it
    2) and i only like doin it to u.
    3) just tell me that u dont want me to eat u out again
    4) then i’ll leave u alone
    5) i dont know why but your body just tastes so good. i wanna lick u from head to toe.
    6) u dont like how i eat u out?
    7) just say it and i’ll leave u alone
    8) im sorry i sometimes harass u. its just that i find u to be the sexiest girl ive hooked up wit. and i want the chance to do it again. im sorry if i annoy u.

  2. JQ Says:

    wow, Miss Blackout, those are some ofthe most hilarious, amazing texts I’ve ever seen. Maybe you should have a guest spot on this blog….

  3. SAF Says:

    oh man, final club guys are SO sketchy. I mean, seriously, do they think that’s hot?????

  4. Sex & Moxie Says:

    I once sent the same booty call text message to 4 different guys. When I get lazy, I just would go to my sent messages and resend the same message instead exerting the effort to be sexy.

  5. elle Says:

    Mass booty calls? The sketchy version of mail merge.

  6. PhatG Says:

    wow ok i was hoping to find a text that came out better than wat i wrote but ok

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