The Chicktionary
AIM
Facebook
Technorati
Twitter
Flickr
Threadless
Vimeo
I quit.
I quit blogging. At least for the week. Maybe permanently if my quality of life skyrockets as a result of neglecting this website.
I helped plan an event this afternoon and was approached by the Crimson’s Roving Reporter who asked somewhat facetiously, “Do you think your sex blog will reflect badly on the organization?” I said that I’m involved in plenty of campus groups and it’s never been a problem before so it shouldn’t even be a consideration. But after tonight, I’m rethinking my response to that question. I don’t want this website to taint the groups or people or causes I hold dear. Already, I feel like I am incapable of normal social interaction and I joke that I’ll never work in finance now, but neither should be the case. So before it comes to that, maybe I should just stop.
This has probably been one of the most shitty sober nights I’ve had. Around 1am, the blockmates and I decided that we might as well give Mt. Auburn a go. By 3am, I called it quits. Currently, my right ring finger is a raw pink after being stepped on so hard that the polish came off. My eyes are recovering from vodka spilt on my face. And my pride? Well, I had the pleasure of being kicked out of a club tonight. Really.
At the bar, I requested the drink I always get (”orange juice on the rocks”) and was asked politely to leave instead. “Um, leave the club?” I asked. “Are you Lena Chen?” he responded. I answered in the affirmative and he told me (apologetically) that I had to go.
“It’s fine,” I said. But really, it wasn’t fine at all. It’s not like getting banned from a club is the end of the world. Hardly. But I think it’s indicative of the greater issue at hand: my life as I knew it is more or less over at this point.
These guys tonight determined that my presence was unwelcome because I might blog about their party in the morning. But there are people who do want me at their party precisely because I might blog about them, and those people are just as bad.
I go through entire parties without ever introducing myself because I’m passed along from one group to another — no introduction required — as the “sex blogger,” this evening’s entertainment. I question the motives of people who are overly friendly upon first meeting. I often find out mid-conversation that all some people are really interested in is my sex life. No one ever talks to me about my ambitions anymore. No one ever asks my concentration.
When I go out, I leave my blog at home. On my laptop. It is okay to bring it up during a conversation. It is not okay to leave that conversation knowing more about my website than about my day-to-day life. That’s what really pisses me off. People don’t seem to care beyond sex — who wants to hear about my sociology courses or interest in publishing?
I didn’t leave Mather for almost five days last weekend. The outside world is too vast to face. I say things in lecture and section and I wonder if people discount my contribution because I’m “that girl.” I don’t meet new people anymore. My reputation precedes me at Harvard so I’ll wait to make new friends after I graduate. I shy away from big parties where I’m apt to run into several people who want to discuss the blog. I am scared of walking alone at night. This never used to be the case, but I also never had stalkers. I get approached by strange men too often for comfort.
While I’m at it, I get to put up with contradictory criticism. Since I write a blog called “Sex and the Ivy,” I clearly have an obligation to know everything about sex, have sex all the time, and write about it as often as possible. Because I take on provocative subjects, I’m obviously asking for celebrity so I have no one to blame but myself when faced with its pitfalls. Right. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think infamy is an expected outcome for most things in life. I’ve been blogging since I was 15. I had no reason to believe that Sex and the Ivy was going to seriously impact my life.
I’m not a website. I’m a person. Everyone seems to forget that. Maybe that’s why I’m hooked on office hours. Professors and TFs are the only ones who listen to my goals. Maybe that’s why I haven’t made any new female friends or friends in general. I approach new acquaintances with distrust. Maybe that’s why I never answer calls from guys who express interest in my blog. Whatever they think of me, it can’t possibly be accurate.
Being blacklisted has really been the highlight of my year. I’m not embarassed; I’m pissed. I’m pissed because those guys, like much of this campus, can’t see past Elle. I’m just one totally expendable guest to them, and to tons of other people, I’m weeknight procrastination material. But Lena is who I really am and she also happens to be a girl no one is actually interested in knowing, who people find it easy to criticize and dismiss. No single person’s behavior really matters, but taken as a whole, it’s hard to stomach the way I’m treated.
Tonight’s completed the ultimate metaphor. Whether or not I’m on the guest list, Harvard is one big party that I don’t belong at.
November 11th, 2006 at 8:28 am
i find your blog increasingly commercial…
November 11th, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Lena,
I have some specific suggestions that can help deal with your current dilemma but they are best discussed elsewhere. I believe that much of the harm can be undone and most of the issues can be sorted out. You have my email address. I hope you will write to me so that we may discuss relevant issues. This is a serious offer so please give it some consideration.
All the best,
Jack
November 11th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
go back to el jay. =)
November 11th, 2006 at 2:48 pm
If it’s becoming commercial, then what am I selling?
November 11th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
if you really quit this blog, i’ll be sad. it’s become part of my daily routine (email, nytimes, weather, s&i, bbc, etc). it helps keep me sane by reminding my that there is life outside my slum rental where i perform ridiculously tedious work for a day job, which i am grateful to leave when i work at my second job (where i serve coffee to the teeming masses. and i am not a people person). if you were to stop this blog, i’d be sad. but i can understand why you would. people are so damn stupid that they are going to make assumptions about you since you have a blog and you are not anonymous. screw those people. the people who matter in life are the ones won’t judge you for your internet postings (or for that extra few pounds, or for bad hair days, or for that less than A+ grade, etc). unfortunately, most of us don’t realize this until after college. if i were your friend at harvard, i’d hug you, pour you a drink, and say “let’s give a big fuck you to everyone who would judge us.” so consider this the virtual equivalent. anyway. you gotta do what you gotta do, to stay sane. i hope things get better, blog or no blog.
November 11th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Too bad — I find your blog entertaining. Eh, Harvard students are ridiculous sometimes.
November 11th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
I don’t know if this is a publicity stunt to gauge how important your blog is to people, but I’ll bite. Please don’t quit this blog because some asshole or another thinks you shouldn’t be allowed at their party.
I don’t agree with you on most things but the fact that you’ve got the metaphorical balls to say what you do keeps a lot of people sane, and definitely helps me in justifying myself sometimes. For example, before reading this entry, I just got off the phone with my boss, who called to reiterate to me the fact that everyone in the Philippines hates me for saying a fighter was “mediocre”.
All I did was be honest, and a lot of people couldn’t handle that, and I felt somewhat alone for having hundreds of people call to have me fired and hating me passionate for just being a woman with an opinion about something women shouldn’t have an opinion about. Then I read your entry and realized that, although in totally different contexts, you’re going through a very similar thing. You’re being stigmatized for your opinion and your lack of fear in having one. We need women like you out there, because the more they are, the less instances like the one you had at that club will happen.
November 11th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
to be fair, it seems like they kicked you out because they thought you would say mean things about them - not because you’re a liberated woman or whatever.
November 11th, 2006 at 6:58 pm
I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months, and I, like others, really enjoy it.
I write a column for my school’s paper, and although it is much less personal, people often have trouble separating my column from myself. I am sure what you are going through is even more extreme, because your blog is, in so many ways, about yourself.
I don’t have any solutions for you, but I do hope you will continue writing (but not at the expense of your mental health). Just remember that if you’re speaking the truth, you’ll always get resistance.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:31 pm
your blog makes me feel better about everything. please don’t stop.
November 12th, 2006 at 12:02 am
it’s unfair that your blog life crashed in to your real life. There has to be that “line” that makes us both miserable (as we can’t express ourselves in the same way outside the web), but protects us (as we can still have a normal existance outside the web).
I have to admit, the “news release” of your identity seemed a bit more like an apocalypse than a liberation (from a reader’s vp)
good luck and take a break.
-M
November 12th, 2006 at 12:10 am
“People don’t seem to care beyond sex — who wants to hear about my sociology courses or interest in publishing?”
I do… but maybe I’m in the minority. If you quit this blog, you should start another general-purpose one. I find your insights into Harvard life very interesting and enlightening and would hate to have that source dry up. Oh well–do whatever you feel is best for you. It would be cool if you just started a general h-blog and joined cblogs or something like that. Maybe contribute secretly elesewhere (ivygateblog)? Don’t stop writing!
A cool general (i.e. … non-sex) blog could be helpful for a publishing interest, too.
November 12th, 2006 at 4:59 am
With fame comes responsibility. How much do you want?
November 12th, 2006 at 5:28 am
First visit to your blog and i start with the ‘I quit’ post! - so i’m going to comment on it before I read below.
I get the idea about people not being able to separate you from your blog. Sad indeed.
Then again, i somewhat understand that some people wouldn’t want to expose themselves to be badmouthed about on your blog (if this is indeed what you do). In this case, well dear, don’t you think this is more of a personality issue than a blog issue? You see, if you stop ‘writing’ about people but still ‘talk’ about them, the result will be the same: some people will want to avoid you. So either change that - or live with it.
I agree with sam jackson - try writing about sociology courses and interest in publishing (oh, you’re interested in publishing? How cool, so am I!) and you’ll get a lot of clicks as well. Maybe not the same people. And that’ll be even better.
In any event: good luck sorting out your thoughts..
November 12th, 2006 at 6:53 am
Abraham Lincoln , Address to the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society, Milwaukee, WI, September 30, 1859
Seriously, though, it’s early yet. It hasn’t been very long since you revealed yourself to the world, and the novelty hasn’t worn off. Harvard can be an alienating little hothouse, but the novelty will wear off. Remember that people care both more and less about you than you imagine. In the meantime, think of all the time your situation is saving you as various people you meet disqualify themselves from further consideration (for whatever) by revealing truths about themselves you might otherwise not have discovered for months or even years. And you can have some fun with it all, surely: declaring “No autographs!” at the right moment might show people how silly they are being.
It’s probably easier to maintain a “theme” blog when you are writing as a character, so I’m not convinced you will remain “that sex blogger” indefinitely now that you are out in the open. Anyway, I don’t think the average person stumbling on this blog would decide to call it a “sex blog.” Look at all the other things you write about. Look at all the categories you identify that have no necessary connection with sex.
Whatever you decide about the blog, do keep writing. You are good at it, with an engaging and entertaining voice. Elizabeth Wurtzel’s first book was originally supposed to be a novel about her freshman year (which was also mine). I’m pretty sure she never wrote it–because I definitely would have read it–and that there hasn’t been one since. Might be fun. Build in a blogging protagonist and some of the writing is already done.
November 12th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
Upper-middle-class (and unfortunately, this still means mostly-white) America is NOT comfortable with women being sexual for themselves alone. They really don’t even understand the concept. To them, you are blogging about sex because you want the attention. It’s sick and sad. And for crying out loud we should be PAST this by now. It’s too bad that a few assholes have to ruin everything for you. I’ve really liked your blog. You’re one hell of a writer.
November 12th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
This seems like a bit of a cry for attention. If you really wanted to stop, you would have just deleted your blog and not told anyone.
This way you get people fussing over you and it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. People care about me! People want me to keep posting about my blowjobs!
November 12th, 2006 at 3:07 pm
By circles self-pitying and sex-crazed, this blog is clearly pathological. If you’re nearly as disturbed as your blog lets on, you should really march on down to UHS’s mental health division, and perhaps reevaluate whether making sex your raison d’etre (because what else can this blog convey to the people who anonymously judge you daily?) is really the key to giving one an interesting, redeeming college life.
By the way, the hilarity of having one’s self-esteem shattered by being turned away from a final club is just too much to bear. Go find something worthy to be sad about.
November 12th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
I don’t understand why some people are directing their vitriol at Lena here just when she seems to be a bit down. Irrespective of what you think about her, wouldn’t it better to say nothing if you have nothing positive or constructive to offer? What possible motivation could anyone have to attack her at this time?
November 12th, 2006 at 6:31 pm
This is the classic peril of blog celebrity — people assume they know every iota of personal information about you BECAUSE you blog (which is far from the case, as we often put on personas when we write. However, you don’t know anything about them. So instead of the usual dynamics of human interaction, where one gets to know the other person gradually and vice versa, people approach you with an entirely new set of assumptions. The fact that you are writing about sex, which our culture STILL remains Puritanical about, is no help either.
As a college sex editor, I have certainly faced my fair share of judgments and infamy from the Penn student body. However, I have also met some really awesome, unique, FUN people who don’t buy in to our sex-negative culture and I wouldn’t have met otherwise. The question is, is that worth it to you? Being judged by a majority for what you write about and embraced by a minority? It’s the price of standing up; of being controversial.
My advice would be to slowly phase this blog into something more general interest — or at the least, to write ABOUT sex, but don’t write about your own, personal sex life.
November 12th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
I just discovered your blog about three days ago and I love it already. I completely understand why you’re taking a break, but I really hope you come back to it.
November 13th, 2006 at 3:42 am
“I had no reason to believe that Sex and the Ivy was seriously going to impact my life”
This blog was clearly a desperate cry for attention. You seem to be candidly surprised by how popular and controversial the blog has become, yet that is the fruit of your active efforts to make it that way. You gave it the sensationalist name “SEX and the Ivy” even though this is by no means a sex blog. The blog could have remained anonymous, but not only did you decide to attach your name to it, you have filled it with pictures of yourself, which has made you one of the most identifyable people on campus. For god’s sake, YOU WROTE AN ARTICLE IN THE CRIMSON about the thing.
I understand that it might have been a serious miscalculation on your part, but you don’t seem to have learned the attention-whoring lesson. You are doing it all over again with this very post. I can just hear you begging “please please, everyone tell me how much you want to keep reading my rants”
I understand that you have many psychological issues to deal with. This came out a lot harsher that I had intended, and I really do wish you the best with your personal struggles. Heck I even enjoy reading the blog, but surely, you brought this upon yourself.
November 13th, 2006 at 4:16 am
I think you might misunderstand the reason why I posted my latest entry. I knew from the beginning that what I was writing was semi-controversial; what I didn’t expect was how much it’d affect my personal life. I don’t think naming it “Sex and the Ivy,” an obvious pop culture reference, was at all sensational; nor do I think giving up anonymity meant giving up privacy. And for the record, I didn’t write a Crimson article about the blog, that would be a huge conflict of interest … a Crimson reporter covered me. At that point, many people knew who was writing the blog anyway — that’s why I announced who I was instead of letting some other source (the Crimson or otherwise) out me.
I’m sure you didn’t mean to come off harsh, but the truth of the matter is that I’m not looking for pity. I write about my experiences in hopes that people can relate to them or understand. There’s a lot of things in my life I don’t like. I think it makes sense to rant about them on a website that is essentially my journal. In terms of recent events, it means discussing how frustrated I am with the blog’s backlash — something I wish this campus better understood. People send fan mail — awesome. Not the goal. That’s not what I’m after when I write an entry like this. What I’d really like is for strange men to stop contacting me, for people to have conversations with me like I’m a normal human being, to be taken seriously as a person.
You said that I brought a lot of this on myself, that writing about sex meant asking for criticism, but I think there’s a difference between being provocative and soliciting attention. This website is highly personal, more about me than about sex or the ivy league — I started it this summer, my first readers were my friends from home. I don’t know what to say to accusations of attention-whoring because this blog was never a political commentary, it’s a personal website. Of course, it’s going to be about me. Still, I don’t think that anything I’ve done so far justifies the treatment I’ve received. Writing a blog or posting photos doesn’t give anyone permission to approach me on the street or to send lewd messages my way. At the end of the day, I want to write what I want to write because it’s a good outlet and I appreciate that some people can relate to what I say. I just wish that the people who read weren’t the same people I write about, the same people I interact with on a day-to-day basis. It makes it infinitely harder to form new relationships, to screw up and have your mistakes forgiven or go unnoticed, to act freely when you feel like all eyes are on you.
November 13th, 2006 at 5:54 am
I’m a new reader to your blog and I certainly hope you don’t quit blogging. It seems that bloggers, novelists, actors, anyone who achieves even minor celiberty has to deal with the exact same problem: typecasting. If you blog about sex, you’re entire life must be soaked in sex, if you write horror, you must live in a perpetual nightmare, if you’re an action hero, you must live a life close to that of Chuck Norris, and on and on and on.
There will always be small minded people who refuse to see you as a multidimensional person either because their mind can’t wrap itself around a sexually liberated woman who is also intelligent, educated, and has opinions on subjects other than sex, or because it would shatter the preconceived notion of who you are they’ve formed in their mind by focusing on the juicy bits of your blog and ignoring the rest.
Don’t give up. You, as a person, are important and have something important to say. Those of us who don’t see you as “that girl” or “that sex blogger” will always have our ears open to whatever you say. The other? Well, they just don’t really matter…
November 13th, 2006 at 6:42 am
i understand why you’d want to quit, and it’s very unfair that this blog that you’ve been wanting to conceive for so long turned it’s back against you. at least that’s what i’m seeing.
i don’t think of your blog as a sex blog. yes, there were a few entries that related to sex, but i felt like the content of your blog was about you and your feelings, not about your sexcapades. just because you decided to include sex in your web address and post pictures of yourself and whatnot, it does not give people the write to treat you this way. even though a blog is a public thing, it’s also something very private and personal as well.
it’s true that you “brought it upon yourself,” but that’s pretty much what life is; all of our actions have a consequence. just because you “asked for it” doesn’t mean you deserve it nor does it give people the right to react this way. it sucks that you’re just sharing a part of yourself to the world and people are using it against you.
maybe i’m pessimistic, but i always felt like the majority of the world is a cruel place, and this seems to justify it. things were going pretty well it seemed when your blog only attracted a small amount of people, but once it got big, it started to attract the bad and the ugly.
i know my comment didn’t really help. i just wish you the best and i hate that people are treating you this way because you don’t deserve it at all. you said it best when you wrote, “I’m not a website. I’m a person.”
it’s horrible that people fail to realize that.
November 13th, 2006 at 12:49 pm
i just deleted the most long assed comment i’ve ever made in favor of:
you signed up for this shit the day you started blogging. deal with it or stop blogging but don’t complain.
November 13th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
What is a blog for, LS, if not to complain? The great thing about a blog is you can write whatever the hell you want to write, and if people don’t want to read it, they don’t have to.
It seems the general public has its collective panties in a twist. She writes a farewell post–clearly the only polite and considerate thing to do before one disappears–and now everybody’s fussing? Calm down, have some ice cream.
[My favourite comments here are the condescending, "healthier-than-thou" ones that describe this blog as "pathological" and Lena as "disturbed." I have to say, this is possibly the least disturbing personal blog I've ever read. A healthy and open acknowledgement of a few mental health issues, a statement that she's already in therapy about it... not one mention of blood, gore, death, suicide. What internet bubble do you people come from? Blogs are whiny: they're an outlet for all the things you can't say to people's faces. Don't act so shocked.]
November 14th, 2006 at 12:19 am
I don’t think it’s simply the subject matter that brings notoriety. It’s the readership.
A lot of people think blogging is lame. And a lot of people link the person with the words on the screen so closely that they’ll never be separate entities. When some people write, they write to divorce themselves from their words. It’s a need to get those thoughts out there.
Lewd remarks? Those come from the sex part. But people treating you differently has just as much to do with your having a website as it does about its content. It just happens your site receives more attention because of its name and occasional subject.
When someone places their persona in the public forum, they will be ridiculed. How often and how badly is a function of the number of people who know. You can stay strong or move on–it matters more what you want than any duty you feel to the site. Do you think stopping now will solve any of these issues? I doubt it, but best of luck.
November 14th, 2006 at 7:32 am
No advice here. I don’t think you really wrote that last one for advice anyway.
If I had to guess:
You probably feel stressed. Thwarted in some ambitions. Vulnerable, too, in that people get to see you from the window of their web browser and you know so little about them. Naked, even. And of course angry. Angry at smart-asses who pontificate with snide comments (haha, none of that here), and those who see you and think one word. Angry at Harvard, which feels so fucking hollow sometimes. Angry at having to both do work and to do work to cover. And angry that you could be made angry so easily.
Nothing wrong with any of that. It’s being human, right?
I’m sure you’ll make the correct call, and only you can do it; If I had to guess, you’ll return, keep the name and all, but something else will change.
good luck . . .
(man, that was probably a waste of time . . . anything to procrastinate)
November 14th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Another thing: if the club in question was one of Harvard’s semi secret and extremely elitist Final Clubs, then maybe you shouldn’t be surprised that they don’t want a “journalist” inside.
November 20th, 2006 at 3:16 pm
Lena, I think you need something really out-of-your-head–something mostly in your body (where it’s a lot more intuitive and powerful)–to 1) deal with the creepy approachers and 2) as a side effect, change your degree of caring what they think. (It’s amazing how much it changes once you have a new sense of what you can do to back up your own interests in life.)
PLEASE look into http://www.impactboston.com/
E-mail me if you want some more details about why this is state-of-the-art and why there’s just nothing like it.
I wish you the best, and I really hope I get to hear about your experiences with it. (Take it, take it, take it! Start a paypal drive on the blog or something if you need money!)
December 1-3
or
January 29-31
or
February 23-25
or
March 23-25
If you can’t afford it by then, PLEASE set aside everything in your life on Sunday, Dec. 3 and check out a public viewing:
Sunday, December 3 - 2 pm
420 Pearl Street
Malden, MA 02148
(781) 321-3900
November 26th, 2006 at 11:27 am
I think you made a big mistake when you revealed yourself. Suddenly, Sex and the Ivy was no longer an anonymous form of entertainment, but rather the real accounts of a real student at Harvard. A real student at Harvard who obviously wanted her name to be associated with this blog.
The problem is, when you go out, you don’t leave your blog at home — or if you do, you leave a virtual tape recorder on in order to collect material for your next entry. Your blog and your social life are inextricably connected, which would have posed you few problems if you hadn’t revealed yourself but many now that people know who “Elle” is. While I think it was wrong of the bartenders to kick you out, I can also see their rationale. If you want people to treat you as a normal person, you should allow them the assurance that you won’t broadcast their night’s activities on the internet.
It’s also a bit hypocritical, might I add, that you write this entry decrying the unfair treatment you receive on account of your blog only to exclaim your joy at having female fans a couple entries later. Hmmm.
If I met you, I certainly would not bring up the website in conversation. But I wonder what my motivations would be. I do think your goals, ambitions, emotions, etc. deserve to be addressed without reference to the sex blog you happen to produce. But I think the main reason why I wouldn’t bring up your blog is that I’d fear your overdramatic, attention-grabbing reaction. It’s clear, from yoru having revealed yourself, that you relish the attention you get over it, and I just wouldn’t want to feed into that.
Good luck with maintaining both the blog and your personal life. I truly hope it works, and I hope this comment comes off as level-headed rather than as excessively critical.
February 19th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
“I’m not a website. I’m a person. Everyone seems to forget that.”
Your experience seems like a high-tech version of what happened to Truman Capote after he published “La Cote Basque, 1965″ in Esquire magazine.