Sex and the Ivy

Fear and Yearning

Filed under: Love — Elle March 19, 2007 @ 9:49 pm

When we met, I barely gave you a glance over, but five minutes past the door, I saw you in full light and was hooked.

It could have been your laugh or the smile that followed. It was more likely that in you, I saw everything I wanted in me.

You are all beauty and presence. Before you, I am struck nervous and uncertain and overwhelmed at once. I am fumbling for the right words, the right gestures, the right expressions to convey my interest without betraying my lust. And you are too too beautiful, too perfectly obliging, too innocuously affectionate for me to think that you could possibly realize your effect. I don’t know how to tell you but you terrify me in the same instance you awe me.

And even when you speak to my face, I can barely look you in the eye. If this isn’t love at first sight, if this isn’t the pull of unrequited passion, then I don’t know what is. Because you have warmed something deep and untouched within my chest and all I can do is wonder about the nature of your intentions.

“So how many hearts did you break this week?” someone asked me tonight. I think I will allow myself the silly luxury of entertaining the notion of our romantic possibility, and I answer, “Maybe just my own.”

12 Responses to “Fear and Yearning”

  1. Brown Kid Says:

    Ya know, sometimes I think you’re over the top and sometimes I think you’re downright crazy, but this post really got to me. I think most times I would regard even this post as way too cliche, but there’s something about the mood I’m in and the music I’m listening to that really made this resonate. Thank you.

  2. Jeff Says:

    That feeling’s amazing, isn’t it? Nothing quite like it.

  3. Fiona Says:

    I continually relate my cynicism to yours. But I’m glad that you have found hope. It gives me hope (despite my innate, constant cynical nature) that perhaps the chance of an ideal is out there.

  4. Curious Says:

    totally unrelated, but i saw this and thought of you:

    http://flickr.com/photos/smithmag/422780806/in/set-72157600002403395/

    you should get one! :)

  5. Mikey Mongol Says:

    So are we going to hang out this weekend?

  6. Elle Says:

    Yes yes!

  7. amber Says:

    you’re quite possibly one of my new favorite people. i enjoy reading what you have to say.
    those douche bags on collegehumor don’t know what they’re talking about. you’re amazing.

  8. shelby Says:

    hey. i’m one of those readers who pops by your site randomly just to read something interesting. i just wanted to say that this post really struck something in me (prolly b/c i’m going through the same thing). your words really stuck with me, and i found myself coming back to your site several times to re-read it. this was amazing, and i just wanted to thank you for putting to words the thoughts that had been following me around.

  9. juli Says:

    lena, lena, who could this be?
    perhaps a mutual ‘friend’ of ours????
    HAVE A NICE BREAK!!

  10. jeane Says:

    “So how many hearts did you break this week?” someone asked me tonight. I think I will allow myself the silly luxury of entertaining the notion of our romantic possibility, and I answer, “Maybe just my own.”

    wow. that breaks my heart too.

  11. Liz Says:

    I’m completely addicted to your writing, having first heard about it through writing for my school newspaper’s blog (I’m a Penn student–Eric is my former editor, and Jess is also a friend of mine)…but this entry takes the cake as my favorite thing you have ever written. It describes so much of how I feel right now but better than I ever could–so, Thank You.

  12. Infornographer Says:

    Unfortunately, fidelity draws in less readers.

    But I’m very glad you’re pining after a good man. :)

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