Random Thoughts on Random Hookups

My blockmate Terra said to someone yesterday that I just don’t do Harvard guys (and I mean “do” in an all-purpose, not entirely sexual sense). I can’t deny that she’s right. With the exception of early sophomore fall and the occasional drunk makeoutfest, I’ve stayed away from Harvard undergrads when it comes to both dating and sexing. I just don’t like the way college boys feel. Too young, too inexperienced, too disappointing. My most satisfying experiences have been with older guys — at least four years removed. One exception: I lucked out as a freshman with my first college fuck buddy. Despite being a virgin, he was miraculously savvy in the sack. I’ve yet to encounter such blow-my-mind manual dexterity in the year and a half since.

Is it any wonder that of the guys I have hooked up with, the overwhelming majority are from this year’s graduating class? It’s not as if two-year’s difference means terribly much but the difference, however minute, is enough. At the very least, I’m no one’s first drunken error and the guy has a condom if I don’t and he will actually attempt oral sex somewhat successfully. But I’m being completely critical at the moment, generalizing about an entire population, and not exactly offering helpful tips. So I’ll cease.

The reason I write all this is that I recently spent the night with an undergrad who was actually responsive to my needs, respectful, and not entirely awkward come dawn. I left feeling like he was a decent individual, which is not what can be said for 90% of similar situations I’ve been in. It made me wonder why hooking up couldn’t always be like this, and especially why hooking up in college, at Harvard, couldn’t be like this. From this, I formed the conclusion that there are some universal rules to abide by:

1. Phone calls aren’t expected after one-night stands, but acknowledge the other party in public instead of conveniently looking at your shuttle schedule when they pass by.

2. Unless they’re about to puke on you, let your hookup spend the night. You took them home; it’s polite.

3. Do spend the night if offered. It’s polite. (At least pretend that you weren’t just over for the orgasm).

4. Straight couples: if the girl insists on going home anyway, walk her even if it’s 3 a.m. Just do it. Gay couples: not so sure on the etiquette — call cab? Either way, muggings are not so sexy.

5. Reciprocate. Especially when it comes to oral.

If everyone would just do stuff like this, it would make the entire hookup scene more pleasant and less awkward.

On a tangent, I’d also like to take a moment to clear my name. My atrocious behavior last weekend (not reciprocating after receiving oral sex — and in fact, only kissing the guy) wasn’t that bad when considering the context. First, I told him before I even went home with him that I wouldn’t “be doing a damn thing” for or with him so I was already going further than promised. Second, he got off on going down on me anyway. Win-win. Besides, getting oral sex is far from consent to give it. It may not be terribly polite to deny the other party (after all, I’m breaking my own rule), but there is certainly no obligation. Also, this instance is most definitely a first and will not be repeated. Not that he should be holding his breath.