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Ex-Boyfriends
This weekend at Dartmouth, I was hanging out with Cece and a pal when we got to discussing her boyfriend. She’s spending her quarter in Hanover on exchange while he’s staying in San Diego and being exceedingly attentive and understanding despite the distance. At one point, I had the urge to tell her, “You have the sweetest boyfriend ever, Cece.”
But I didn’t. Cece is one of my best friends from home and her current boyfriend is my ex-boyfriend from high school. Complimenting her on her great catch seems incredibly odd, when I was the last girl to date him. But then again, the guy she’s with today is not at all the same person I was in love with at 16 and I consider him more a friend (or even, the boyfriend of a friend) than I do an ex. It’s like he’s this entirely new individual who I’ve re-met and re-integrated into my life.
It’s different with my last significant relationship. Try as I might, I’m not able to say that Summer Guy’s my friend, but “ex-boyfriend” doesn’t quite fit either. The latter sounds like such a write-off, and he means so much more than just a blip in my romantic history. On the other hand, I don’t treat or deal with him in the same way as I do my other friends. While I never get into fights with pals, we bicker and argue and vow to not speak. We also go through long periods of regular phone calls and IMs. I have spoken to him more often than I have spoken to anyone else in California, including my mother and my best friend. He is the only person during my entire time at college who has flown to Boston for the express purpose of visiting me. He is one of only two people whose presence I actively yearn for (the other being my mother). Yet from 3,000 miles, I do not nurse hopes of a romantic reconciliation and would be more than wary of dating again even if we lived in the same city. So what am I left with?
It is easy to tell my friends I love them. I say it on the phone, as a goodbye, over email. I mean it, certainly, but when I tell Summer Guy that I love him, it means something more than a response-by-reflex. I love him like I love my best friends — deeply and unconditionally. But he is not my best friend either. My best friends are two girls from California I consider sisters and two Harvard friends who have stuck by me since freshman fall. These are people who have seen me through intense times of change and tumult. How can I say my love for him is the same as my love for them? And yet, it seems quite fitting. After all, I share with him a unique understanding I share with each of them. Cultivated over time, it is something that can only be felt, not articulated.
There is no one else in my life like Summer Guy. The almost frightening truth is that he is irreplaceable. Thus, I don’t want to call him my ex-boyfriend because he is not just my ex-boyfriend, but I don’t want to call him my friend because he is not just my friend. And so I guess the best I can do is say that he is someone I love very, very much.
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:19 am
New reader here. After spending a LOT of billable hours reading the archives, I have finally caught up and think your writing has progressed into something really great. This piece is well thought out and articulate. Also entirely too true for the drama that is my ex-boyfriends, friends, etc.
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:57 am
Wow, I almost cried reading this. EXACTLY how I feel about the someone I love very, very much. Ex-boyfriend sounds so harsh, and friend just doesn’t describe the depth of the relationship. I always struggle with what to call him. I’m a big fan of your blog…don’t let anyone get you down; you’re an amazing writer.
http://www.lovebostongirl.com
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Excellent piece, but on a less serious note, I think you missed a prime opportunity to invent a new word. ;P
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:55 pm
nicely said.
May 22nd, 2007 at 1:47 pm
how about some details on greenkey?
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:26 pm
A great, thoughtful post. I have been in your situation before. It’s not easy.
May 22nd, 2007 at 4:49 pm
This is better than the usual vapid writing I’ve come to expect. If you add more entries like this and less about subjects like losing condoms inside your vagina, you might eventually build some credibility. Good work.
May 22nd, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Only tear-jerkers qualify as non-”vapid”, huh? Mushy.
May 23rd, 2007 at 4:16 pm
No, but this one happens to be the first non-vapid post I’ve seen here. It’s possible others could also be non-vapid, but I haven’t seen them. I also didn’t think it was a “tear-jerker,” just less vile than posts about when Lena lost a condom in her enormous vagina.
May 23rd, 2007 at 5:41 pm
While this post didn’t make me cry, it did make me think/sigh/relate. And as for condoms lost in vaginas…well, it happens more than you’d think. Speaking of thinking, that’s what people should do before they post comments.
May 23rd, 2007 at 6:02 pm
What happened to Riley?
April 10th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Condoms lost in your inbox?
Hmph - try piercings. Never again.
=(
June 29th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
[...] gives me butterflies when I look at him”. An example of someone professing this type of intense love is Lena Chen on the Sex in the Ivy Blog (/Sex and the Ivy Blog [...]
November 24th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
[...] sexuales en Harvard y que ha sido criticado por lo explícito que es; también habla de temas como ex novios, depresión y hasta [...]
May 20th, 2009 at 2:32 am
I usually use the refer to my ex as a “former boyfriend.”
I think that it’s a little better than ex-boyfriend
June 19th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Yes, the love we feel in our hearts for our ex’s never dies. For some it may become buried deep in their hearts, but
I congratulate you for ending the relationship with love so your heart is free and open to attract new love.
July 25th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Hey Lena — it’s been a while, and I hope you’re doing well. :)
Just wanted to say, since I’ve been experiencing similar situations lately, that there’s one person I refer to as my favorite lover. I know the word “lover” has been smeared with sarcasm and mockery for the majority of our generation, but for me it’s actually very useful. Doesn’t necessarily imply sex, but some sort of loving connection…one that doesn’t exclude or trump other loving relationships in my life.
Not everyone is comfortable with the word, I realize, especially if it’s a situation where you have one or many former/present lovers as well as a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. (In which case it often seems more convenient to call the person a “friend” or an “ex,” even though that’s not how you actually feel about them.) But in the same way that our best friends don’t have to feel threatened by our other friends, I think our partners can learn to accept and even appreciate our lovers, who bring so much happiness into our lives and help make us better people.
I know you wrote this post like two years ago, and have maybe figured something out in the meantime that works best for you. Whatever life’s brought you, I hope you’re smiling and happy these days.
hugs,
katie
November 4th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
“..he means so much more than just a blip in my romantic history.”
I’m reading this from Uganda and I’ll tell you that as a young woman, I couldn’t help but be struck at how we all go through similar episodes in our lives.
Thank you for sharing.
December 28th, 2009 at 4:42 am
I absolutely agree with your theory….
i miss my ex/(boy)friend…but hes no more you see
hehe
i love your writing! keep it going!!