Sex and the Ivy

Rule.

Filed under: Men — Elle June 29, 2007 @ 7:29 pm

Okay, really. No more guys with girlfriends. I can’t believe this is something I have to make a rule for, but it’s starting to get this is ridiculous.

Sexless in the City

Filed under: Sex — Elle June 28, 2007 @ 10:15 pm

It’s been over two months since I’ve had sex and I am so sexually frustrated. After spring break in late March, I had no interest in intercourse with anyone. The Sam thing totally messed me up. The kicker is that getting to know him made me less interested in having meaningless sex with random guys. But all the guys I bothered getting emotionally invested in turned out to have girlfriends. Wonderful, right? It was like being between a rock and a hard … well, you get the picture.

I have been incredibly chaste since arriving in the city. You’d think that the hordes of summer interns and students and young-ish professionals would mean nonstop hooking up, but quite honestly, I haven’t even partied that hard here. Hangovers seem extraordinarily cliche, one-night stands even more so. The only conclusion I can come to is that I miraculously grew up over the past two months, but I think we can all agree that’s a patent impossibility.

There haven’t exactly been major temptations anyway. Third base, after all, is still fair game which makes everything slightly more bearable (not that I’ve even gotten near that since leaving school). But lately, it’s been getting harder and harder to deal with the tension. Intercourse may be highly overrated but sometimes I feel like nothing else can quite satisfy. So even though my current abstinence streak is still going strong, I’m not sure if I can really wait until my next relationship.

Thank goodness for the senior who kept me entertained through reading period and final exams. It’s a shame he’s not within booty-calling distance (though I still tried to lure him away from Boston during Commencement Week after I’d left to New York). I think it could’ve evolved into eventual sex if not for the unfortunate timing. Most of my unwillingness to engage in casual intercourse stems from a refusal to make myself vulnerable. Unlike those who preceded him, he was an extraordinarily nice, decent guy and one of the very few in recent memory who gained my trust. Plus, he didn’t have a girlfriend.

The Limits of Creativity

Filed under: Kyle, Writing — Elle June 27, 2007 @ 2:35 am

Brain is fried.

I didn’t think it was possible to get sick of writing — or at least, writing about my favorite subject, myself — but it most certainly is. Hours upon hours on my current piece and I am still 1,000 words from done. It’s like climbing the stairs to my fifth-floor walkup; there’s no end in sight.

Back in January, I started writing this piece about Kyle. I never got around to finishing, but I revisited it throughout the semester. Now I’m finally sitting down and trying to fill in blanks. It’s harder than I thought it’d be. It’s also much, much lengthier than planned. Delving into our origin invariably means addressing what happened with Aidan. To adequately explain why I was so hurt from that, I have to talk about the fallout from the blog, the start of therapy, and the resentment I felt toward my friends. Kyle was both symptomatic of greater problems and ironically therapeutic.

I think that’s why I found him such an intriguing subject. In the midst of the insanity I was going through, here was this person who was just as unsure about what he was doing when it came to his future, his relationships, his everything. Beyond sex, I was just craving understanding. Empathy from everyone else rang hallow but for some reason, I actually took what Kyle said seriously. He was the least judgmental person in my life at that point.

Part of the problem I’m facing with finishing this piece is that there is no real conclusion to the story. Eight months later, things are more or less the same as they were when we met: he has a girlfriend, I am wary of all men, and neither of us is embarking on a particularly well-paying career. A happy ending this does not make. There’s not even a moral, except maybe “Don’t date Kyle/Lena attracts attached men”. I was so frustrated about the lack of a satisfying conclusion that on a couple occasions, I suggested to him that we hang out just so I could come up with something to write about. Obviously, life is organic, not fueled by my need for material.

I want to do this story justice and at 2,200 words, I’m still not satisfied. It is looking very likely that this will be my sample chapter.

Rememories

Filed under: Writing — Elle June 24, 2007 @ 11:53 pm

Reconstructing the past on paper (or computer screen) is ridiculously difficult to do and my tendency to repress unpleasant memories certainly does not help. College has been rife with unpleasant memories, so there are plenty of blanks I need to fill in.

For the most part, I try to keep this blog optimistic. I know that might seem like a shocker, but yes, this is actually the very censored, happy version of my life. For the uncensored version, you can check out these comments for an example of a romantic endeavor gone … well, insane.

But I digress. My point is that I have no written record of the past year’s mistakes and trials and I fear that my recollections are becoming hazier and less accurate with each day that passes. Had I updated my private blog more regularly, I might have a bit to work with. Unfortunately, I didn’t.

There are moments, though. Small moments I remember only because I applied a mental post-it at the time that they occurred, reminding myself that I’d need to write about this epiphany or emotion in the future.

For example, there was the moment outside the train station on 50th and Broadway last February when Sam kissed me goodbye and I felt a surge of love and security I’d forgotten was possible. There was the slow, creeping, sickening realization over spring break in Philadelphia that this was not the man I thought he was. There was my back to Peter as he sat on my bed last January and spelled out his commitmentphobia along with our likely fate. There was the time I couldn’t stop in the hallway to face Aidan. There was Summer Guy on the phone, again and again and again. There was hating the way my blockmates seemed in front of a camera. There was realizing, with a handful of nights, what Adia really meant. There was seeing in a darkened dinner that CK wasn’t perfect.

There were a lot of post-its and I could tell a story about each person in my life if I wanted to. But I am terrified that I don’t remember too much from the events gone unwitnessed by my friends. I am scared there are only two parties to the most significant moments of the past year and that one of them is already trying to forget as quickly as she can.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Filed under: Dating/Relationships, Kyle — Elle @ 11:41 am

Me: Are you still with your girlfriend by the way?
Kyle: Kind of. She moved. Things are holding on by a thread that’s about as thin as my one remaining moral fiber.
Me: Wow. That’s one fucking thin thread.
Kyle: Thanks.

I’ve been in those shoes before and I can’t empathize enough. I told him that the situation reminded me of my favorite song off John Mayer’s third album “Continuum” (which, on the whole, is amazing):

It’s not a silly little moment
It’s not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we’ve been workin on
Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody’s gonna come and save you
we pulled too many false alarms

We’re goin down and you can see it too
We’re goin down and you know that we’re doomed
my dear, we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it’s nothin to me
baby, you’re the only light I ever saw

I make the most of all the sadness
you’ll be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just to hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can’t understand

We’re goin down and you can see it too
We’re goin down and you know that we’re doomed
my dear, we’re slow dancing in a burnin room

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