Reconstructing the past on paper (or computer screen) is ridiculously difficult to do and my tendency to repress unpleasant memories certainly does not help. College has been rife with unpleasant memories, so there are plenty of blanks I need to fill in.
For the most part, I try to keep this blog optimistic. I know that might seem like a shocker, but yes, this is actually the very censored, happy version of my life. For the uncensored version, you can check out these comments for an example of a romantic endeavor gone … well, insane.
But I digress. My point is that I have no written record of the past year’s mistakes and trials and I fear that my recollections are becoming hazier and less accurate with each day that passes. Had I updated my private blog more regularly, I might have a bit to work with. Unfortunately, I didn’t.
There are moments, though. Small moments I remember only because I applied a mental post-it at the time that they occurred, reminding myself that I’d need to write about this epiphany or emotion in the future.
For example, there was the moment outside the train station on 50th and Broadway last February when Sam kissed me goodbye and I felt a surge of love and security I’d forgotten was possible. There was the slow, creeping, sickening realization over spring break in Philadelphia that this was not the man I thought he was. There was my back to Peter as he sat on my bed last January and spelled out his commitmentphobia along with our likely fate. There was the time I couldn’t stop in the hallway to face Aidan. There was Summer Guy on the phone, again and again and again. There was hating the way my blockmates seemed in front of a camera. There was realizing, with a handful of nights, what Adia really meant. There was seeing in a darkened dinner that CK wasn’t perfect.
There were a lot of post-its and I could tell a story about each person in my life if I wanted to. But I am terrified that I don’t remember too much from the events gone unwitnessed by my friends. I am scared there are only two parties to the most significant moments of the past year and that one of them is already trying to forget as quickly as she can.