Brain is fried.
I didn’t think it was possible to get sick of writing — or at least, writing about my favorite subject, myself — but it most certainly is. Hours upon hours on my current piece and I am still 1,000 words from done. It’s like climbing the stairs to my fifth-floor walkup; there’s no end in sight.
Back in January, I started writing this piece about Kyle. I never got around to finishing, but I revisited it throughout the semester. Now I’m finally sitting down and trying to fill in blanks. It’s harder than I thought it’d be. It’s also much, much lengthier than planned. Delving into our origin invariably means addressing what happened with Aidan. To adequately explain why I was so hurt from that, I have to talk about the fallout from the blog, the start of therapy, and the resentment I felt toward my friends. Kyle was both symptomatic of greater problems and ironically therapeutic.
I think that’s why I found him such an intriguing subject. In the midst of the insanity I was going through, here was this person who was just as unsure about what he was doing when it came to his future, his relationships, his everything. Beyond sex, I was just craving understanding. Empathy from everyone else rang hallow but for some reason, I actually took what Kyle said seriously. He was the least judgmental person in my life at that point.
Part of the problem I’m facing with finishing this piece is that there is no real conclusion to the story. Eight months later, things are more or less the same as they were when we met: he has a girlfriend, I am wary of all men, and neither of us is embarking on a particularly well-paying career. A happy ending this does not make. There’s not even a moral, except maybe “Don’t date Kyle/Lena attracts attached men”. I was so frustrated about the lack of a satisfying conclusion that on a couple occasions, I suggested to him that we hang out just so I could come up with something to write about. Obviously, life is organic, not fueled by my need for material.
I want to do this story justice and at 2,200 words, I’m still not satisfied. It is looking very likely that this will be my sample chapter.