Sex and the Ivy

“Where Are They Now?”: Ex-Boyfriends Edition

Filed under: Aidan, Berklee, Dating/Relationships, Kyle, Mark, Men, Peter, Riley, Sam, Summer Guy — Elle July 19, 2007 @ 6:49 pm

Consider this a sexy, condensed version of VH1’s Where Are They Now?

Some readers have inquired via email and comments about the missing men in my life, so I thought I’d offer up some explanations in semi-chronological order (not really). Hopefully, the following will help everyone understand why 1) these guys have dropped off the face of the earth — the planet being my blog — and 2) have left me single and disillusioned…

Berklee — When we last hooked up beginning of spring semester, he said, “I’m seeing a girl who reads your blog. Don’t identify me!” Fine. No more free sex. Let’s be friends.

Aidan — Exhibit A in “What Happens When You Blog About Transparent Cases of Housecest.” Or conversely, “How To Broadcast The Car Wreck That Is Your Love Life While Becoming a Celebrity in Three Weeks or Less!” Ahem, we’re friends. He’s also the only one currently within fucking distance.

Peter — Oh honey, we knew this wasn’t going anywhere anyway. We’re friends.

Kyle — Surprise! He had a girlfriend. We hooked up during an off-period and kept doing so after they were back on. I’m a bad person. We do not hook up anymore because I would like to stop being a bad person. We’re friends.

Sam — He had a kind-of girlfriend. Who I did NOT know about and who did NOT know about me. He told us both we were sexually exclusive. (I deserved this for the Kyle thing). NOT FRIENDS.

Riley — He had a girlfriend. Who I did not know about. And was my friend. And lived in a dorm five blocks from mine. Massive amounts of forgiveness (and a few punches!) later, we’re friends.

Mark — Good: Works too many hours to have a girlfriend, secret or otherwise. Bad: No time to blow money on me. Boo. His wallet and I are friends!

Summer Guy — Visited me in April. Always has a sort-of, kind-of, not-really girlfriend. Still talk all the time, still care deeply/want to have babies with him — but in a detached kind of way! And maybe ix-nay on the babies. We’re … you guessed it, friends.

In conclusion, I have a lot of friends I want to have sex with/take money from.

But kidding aside, Mark is my current fave, even if the possibility of this turning into something more is next to nil. And no, this has nothing to do with money, because I’m only a pretend golddigger.

Oh and the whole streak with guys who have girlfriends? Not broken. Number six was last weekend. Is there some kind of spray to deter taken men? Please?

9 Responses to ““Where Are They Now?”: Ex-Boyfriends Edition”

  1. M Says:

    Is #6 the hotel guy? As in, the one you flat-out asked if he had a girlfriend?!

  2. Nabil Says:

    I concur with M’s comment: What the Fuck?

    You do seem to be a magnet for boys with girlfriends (and worse, boys with girlfriends that they neglect to tell you about). Seems to me like you’ve got a screwy wire in your guy-dar. The general rule of thumb is that if they’re aloof and attractive and friendly and flirty without hitting on you, they probably have a girlfriend. It’s generally a good rule of thumb, because they’re able to be like that because they’re already getting some. The tension is off.

    I’m single, so I could technically offer to break your streak, but a) you don’t know me, nor I you, b) I’m 3000 miles away, c) it feels kind of skeezy to even bring it up, let alone actually be serious. Mostly I just want to point out that there ARE guys out there that aren’t lying, cheating idiots.

  3. Elle Says:

    Nope. Hotel guy actually didn’t have a girlfriend! Hallelujah.

    #6 was a friend’s friend who had a tiff with his girlfriend. Obvious solution: kiss me!

  4. Susie Says:

    haha love it! thanks for the update :)

  5. suzyangel Says:

    that’s hilarious! This is a great blog, kudos to the madam in charge.

  6. Karl Says:

    Wow. Never saw that Sam thing coming. What a twist.

  7. reader Says:

    I totally feel your pain. Guys with girlfriends seem to enjoy hooking up with me, for some reason. And I’ve really connected to your blog b/c the most recent guy this has happened with has the same name as one of the guys in your blog. (And he’s one of my coworkers! Bad news!) Love your blog, keep it up!

  8. Huh Says:

    Does anyone else feel like Lena is a delusional child? Babe, just because some guy fucks you doesn’t mean he wants any sort of committed relationship with you. I do hope the “ex-boyfriends” title to this post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. You already know the reasons why guys with girlfriends fuck you but never leave their girlfrinds FOR you. Grow up. Open your eyes. Pull your head out of your ass. You’re not that stupid. You’re at Harvard.

  9. Nicole Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with being single, in my opinion. I’m single too, and my last ex was a cheating unmentionable. But I think it’s good to get over the problem, and keep an open mind about dating and love. This ebook I’m reading helped me get over my slump. It might help you, too.

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