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Sparks
I can’t remember the last time I was infatuated with someone. Well, that’s an exaggeration. I can remember, but it was months ago and it turned out disastrously. I don’t miss infatuation one bit. It’s an attachment as unhealthy as nicotine. What I do miss, however, is feeling sparks. It’s been so long since I’ve met a guy who induces pre-date anxiety, first kiss bliss, and the kind of euphoria more suited to cinema than real life.
Not that immediate chemistry is something that’s happened to me often. For the most part, my post-high school relationships (largely short-term) have been spark-less and have occurred accidentally. That is, I ended up dating someone I wasn’t too keen on upon first encounter. Even my attraction to Summer Guy, a person I eventually fell in love with, was very much a gradual development. Unexciting as that is, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. After all, romantic relationships evolve, change, and deepen as much as platonic ones and friendships are rarely immediate.
Still, there is a palpable difference when you meet someone who you instantly hit it off with. My first meetings with both Kyle (in the autumn) and Riley (in the spring) left significant impressions. I was growing discontent with all things Harvard, the people included, and they were breaths of fresh air during periods of time when I would’ve liked nothing more than to leave school. In their own ways, they were the opposites of everyone in my life, and I could’ve talked to either of them all night.
And that is the movie version of romance, the kind written about and marketed to us, the connection people crave despite the overwhelming odds against its common existence. But then again, perhaps that’s what makes it so special and sought-after. It is rare to find someone who you can forge an instant understanding with. The few times that it does happen, it sets the bar remarkably high for the future and as much as common sense testifies to its rarity, it’s what we search for.
As far as sparks go, they’ve only happened a handful of times in the past year and only with Riley was it romantic. I struck up a great rapport with Kyle, had an instant girl crush on Jules, and felt unparalleled professional chemistry with my summer employer. And I don’t know if I really want sparks of the romantic variety at all. Without them, this summer has been incredibly freeing, if only because a crush hasn’t hijacked my every waking thought. In New York, I’ve gone out on a lot of unspectacular first dates and had a lot of good but not earth-shattering hookups. The person who occupies most of my thoughts is in fact Jules. She is the only one in this city I expect phone calls from or meals with. It is nice to not have a guy to miss or pine after. When they’re around, they’re a perk. But when they’re not, I have my girl.
So I guess there is a fear that I’ll eventually meet someone with whom there is that rare spark, who I cannot push into the corner of my mind after the bill is paid or the end credits played. How worth it is it to trade complacency for the possibility of whirlwind love? When it comes to risk versus caution, I usually err on the side of the former but I’m beginning to see the benefits of playing it safe. The popular notion of love at first date is not only overrated but hardly an indication of a successful future. In fact, I sometimes wonder if instant chemistry is actually a warning sign. Riley, after all, felt like puppy love and high school all over again and look how well that turned out. Is infatuation in the beginning an indication of a nuclear ending? If so, maybe I should eschew immediate sparks for a slow burn instead.
August 18th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Your study (for lack of a better word) of the whole thing surrounding sparks is excellent, and well written. From my experience, taking those initial sparks to the next level is really rewarding, but you have to NOT fall headlong for someone, just let it play out. Really hard. Mostly, that requires experience, and it sounds like you\’ve gained the right kind. Try not to let yourself be too jaded by the bad experiences, as terrible as they are.
As for what you say you\’ve experienced this summer, that\’s awesome! That\’s totally the way to finally understand yourself & your desires (romantically) in my opinion. Anyway, this comment is far too long already, but I\’ve thoroughly enjoyed your most recent posts; keep it up!
August 18th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
I was on a really long bus ride tonight and literally all of th these thoughts were running through my head, but in a much less articulate manner. Thanks for giving me a little more food for thought and for letting me know that I’m not the only one struggling with this.
August 19th, 2007 at 1:54 am
As an 18 year old, fresh from high school and thoroughly freaked out about anything and everything that comes next, one of the many things I would like to say to you is thank you. On a daily basis I struggle with things like being a female who isn’t terrified of and/or ashamed of my sexuality, the consequences of acting on my desires (how dare I!), and trying to figure where the men I meet fit into my life while also trying to figure out where I fit into the world. You write with such honesty and convinction, which is both inspiring and terrifying to me, coming from a world where I have been told my opinions.
This is already getting too long, so I just want to say thank you. For being the posterchild for unabashed sexuality, and paving the way for other girls who think and feel many of the same things you do but are too afraid to say them.
August 19th, 2007 at 3:45 am
Me thinks you are over thinking, and taking a phenomenological nihilist approach to relationships. Stop taking the intellectually and romantically easy way out… Real relationships are not easy, they do not occur instantaneously… perhaps if it seems to good to be true, it is. Intriguing… The beginning of an evolution of sorts? – though one perhaps you are resisting because, well, you are Ms. Elle. IMO as one becomes more experienced, perhaps a bit more jaded, one comes to an understanding that no one is perfect, and thus the head- over-heels love at first sight no longer occurs. One realizes relationships are not some bifurcated yes/no social construct, but a gradual joining of two souls in a certain harmony. The sparks, butterfly’s, anxiety dissipate, but one becomes more comfortable with the quirks in human nature and thus is ready for the slow melt of building a robust, mature, healthy relationship.
August 19th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I like your analysis, but how do you consciously pick relationships where you’ll find the “slow burn”?
Easy on paper, difficult in real life.
But I def. know what you mean.
-Jessica
August 19th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
i actually have to wholly disagree with this entry. i feel enthusiastic about so few men that when i instantly vibe with one, i know there is something special going on. guys that i vibe with right away tend to become very important figures/lovers in my life.
August 20th, 2007 at 3:14 am
This entry rings really true for me–sparks are pretty intoxicating, after all. The last time I felt them romantically, I hadn’t felt them at all in, God, at least a year, maybe more (yeah, I managed my entire freshman year at Harvard without making a single friend I didn’t live with) and that whole thing crashed and burned in about two months but was, in retrospect, a pretty valuable turning point/learning experience (and while it lasted, a lot of fun).
When it comes to romance, I’m not too into thinking things through (or am I? I knew that affair was a terrible idea, I got that far in my thinking, but I went ahead and did it anyway). Maybe when I’m older, and people start looking to settle down and I have to start automatically disqualifying any guy who wants kids. But for now? What’s the worst that could happen?
August 20th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I definitely know what you’re saying. I have a really hard time getting into a relationship if I don’t feel those crazy sparks. But I really believe it’s possible to have a relationship with sparks/instant attraction AND for it to be long-lasting. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic…
August 21st, 2007 at 1:08 am
Hey!
It’s so weird! I’m returning to this website after some time. I first saw it linked on some blog awards nomination site back then. So I come in here and read your writing about infatuation…on a day that I wrote an infatuation-themed story on my own blog/site!
Gotta love synchronicity!
Infatuation is definitely a must-miss. You spend so much time thinking about a person that is either ‘not right’ or unavailable and all because you get a little information and fill int eh blank with all the ideals you really wish for in a mate/sex toy :o)
I don’t miss infatuation one bit.
(And now just because I said it I’m gonna get struck by it…damn!)