The Man I Could’ve Loved

I spend the entirety of our time together looking at him, catching glimpses at a man I think I could love, and wondering if I am just clinging to a false and desperate hope. He makes me believe that sometimes there are two people who under different circumstances might be right for each other, but in a cruel twist of fate are caught up in different points in life when they meet, with obligations that cannot be discarded. And it is a difficult truth to stomach, but he and I, content as we may be together, are not the only people who can bring about contentment for the other.

I am trying to determine the odds. How many months? Or is it weeks I’m dealing with? I want to graph the point at which maximum pain tolerance and length of relationship meet. How much longer can I wait before I reach that breaking point, before I have no choice but to pull out? If there isn’t room left in your life but you love someone enough, you make a place for them. You carve out a space, move obligations, shift priorities away from things you love less, and make room for this person to fit. He is not lifting a finger. I am convenient for him. I am a bundle of affection and company delivered by plane to his doorstep.

I think I want to remember as much about him as possible because I know we are nearly done here. He is on his way out and I want to take in every expression, every affection, every sigh, every eye roll, every term of endearment, every uniquely Sam-esque movement that cannot be attributed to anyone but him. I want to remember this. I want to keep the memory vivid and its lines crisp, because I believe he is important. He is important because I could love him, and I could love him if he would let me. He won’t. But that doesn’t change the possibility.

Fleeting as our engagement may be, he is significant for having made me feel, perhaps even more significant for what he has made me not feel. He is my first practice in control and I think, for the most part, I will be okay for the real thing. I will be prepared for real love.