Sex and the Ivy

The Post In Which I Alienate Everyone

Filed under: Dating/Relationships, Friendship — Elle December 14, 2007 @ 10:10 pm

Now that I actually have game again, I’m really intrigued by how I act when meeting new people and going on dates. It seems like it’s been so long (well, freshman spring) since I’ve attempted anything close to casual dating while in school. One thing I’ve noticed is that I’m really out of practice when it comes to relating to new people, especially straight guys. Maybe I have really high standards for conversation partners or something, but there are a lot of times when I’m with guys and all I can think is, “Shut up and kiss me already.” And this is not because I really want to kiss them. I’m just really bored.

Most of my straight male friends are people I met while a freshman, when everyone was eagerly meeting everyone else. Getting to know people as a junior definitely takes more effort and though I’ve made a few new girlfriends in 2007, I think I’ve only picked up two new male companions who aren’t gay. It is significantly easier to relate to new female acquaintances, because in my opinion, they’re just much feistier and more entertaining than men. And if they’re straight, we can talk about boys which is an instant bond-maker. Besides, I meet and make new girlfriends in groups. It’s so much easier to get to know someone with other people there. It’s like observing them in their natural habitat. Except my pals aren’t gorillas.

Going to dinner with someone, on the other hand, forces you to deal with a new person in their entirety, and it’s not like you’re at a party where you can make an excuse and run off. Even if they are the most boring individual alive, you made the poor decision to dine with them and now you have to play nice lest you look like an ass. This is pretty problematic for me because I often agree to go out with hot but boring guys (I like pretty things, okay?!), I don’t find most people that intriguing as it is (or as intriguing as myself), and I live a really over-stimulated (i.e. “coked up”) life so it takes a lot to get me excited. I’m also impatient and have no attention span, which is why I do all my banking online (hate waiting in lines), only shop in boutiques (malls and big stores make me panic), and get really bad grades (zone out in lecture). Thus, if I’m on a date with you, you pretty much have to douse yourself in flames, punch me in the face, and inject me with heroin to sustain my interest. That or take off your pants at an inappropriately early hour.

Further, the number one way I remain interested in a conversation is by talking about myself (any of my friends will tell you this is true) and the whole 50-50 split on first date speaking times just really does not do it for me. I often make a spectacle of myself and don’t share the limelight very well (not that I share anything well). My friends — god bless them — understand this and have been a really good audience all these years. They also enjoy my generally outrageous behavior and listen to my entirely serious demands to pay attention when it’s “Lena time”. This, in addition to their general fabulousness, is why I’m convinced that I have the best taste in friends. New acquaintances, on the other hand, take a while to learn that they’re the opening act to my show. Thus, I try to introduce new men to my friends as quickly as possible so they can observe how we interact and get with the program already.

I realize that if taken completely seriously in this post, I am coming off as the most self-centered person in the world, and I’d just like to take this moment to remind everyone that I’m not self-centered or self-interested at all; I’m self-involved, and yes, there is a difference. I like talking about myself and spending hours in front of a mirror, but I spend the vast majority of my time thinking about others and what I can do for them. So you see, I am really empathetic and caring if you just get to know me, but getting to know me is half the battle. Reaching the fantastic, non-self-involved bits means somehow capturing my interest and let’s face it: 99.5% of the world is really boring and I’m already friends with the .5% that isn’t.