In Retrospect: “Caution”

Been doing a lot of explaining lately to a new guy who has yet to read my blog but wants to understand how it’s impacted my life. I want to write about him, how I feel, what we do together, etc. but it’s probably a bad idea and quite honestly, I think any description of him whatsoever would give away who he is. My readers have a way of finding thing things out (as they did when they deciphered the real identities of Aidan, Sam, and this guy, among others).

So here’s an unpublished entry from the archives, written over a year ago right as the weirdness in my life started feeling normal :

“Yes, it’s kind of weird that people I don’t know read my blog. But what’s worse is that people I do know read my blog. Which wouldn’t be an issue if said people weren’t co-habitating with me. But they are, in addition to working, studying, and partying with me as well.

Yesterday, WHRB 95.3 interviewed me for a story on campus blogs. The producer asked, ‘Has the blog impacted your life in any negative ways?’ I wasn’t about to go on a tirade, but there are so many things that have changed because of this website. For example, I feel like my reputation precedes me in half the social situations I’m in. One of the girls in the adjoining suite was linked to my website over the summer. She didn’t realize she was sharing a bathroom with me until a few weeks into the term when she finally put two and two together. I have friends who inform me all the time that they have acquaintances who are readers themselves. Multiple people have told me that they overheard Yalies talking about my website during Harvard-Yale weekend. And all the time, I meet new people only to hear them say, ‘I feel like I already know you!’ How am I supposed to form new relationships if this is the sort of reception I get at the onset?

When I first started this website, the primary question I faced was what degree of anonymity I was comfortable with, but obviously I didn’t realize how big a deal this would become. Despite the subject matter, I determined initially that I really didn’t care if my friends and acquaintances knew about this — as long as Sex and the Ivy wouldn’t show up under my real name if a potential employer Googled me. And then a few articles, word-of-mouth, and a combination of factors led to me thinking ‘fuck it’ and embracing the inevitable. I outed myself because if I didn’t, someone else would.

If I could go back in time now, I’d stay completely anonymous and keep my identity very guarded. It’s not that I’m ashamed of anything I’m revealing (obviously, I’m not); it’s that this public attention has impacted what I can or cannot write and that’s unfortunate. What I really miss nowadays is blogging as confession, something I’ve been doing since 15 but have recently been unable to continue. Beyond explicit sex and eating disorders, there are many parts of life that can’t be expressed for all to see. I can’t say, ‘I have a thing for so-and-so’ or ‘I can’t stand this certain person’ or ‘My roommate is really getting on my nerves.’ I can’t really be open when it comes to my romantic relationships, the problems I have in friendships, or even my feelings about organizations I’m involved in. This blog is a day-by-day saga for readers but for me, this is life in real-time and even if I can be open to the world about who I am, I can’t be open to all the individuals in my life about how I feel for them.”

– “Caution” December 1, 2006