I am incredibly tired of your continued unreliability, flakiness, and general lack of consideration. You screwed up. Then you screwed up again. Then you screwed up again. You are really not very good at this whole living and learning thing that people tend to catch on to by young adulthood. You are well into your twenties. You know better than this. I know you know better than this because you have a real job that requires real responsibilities that I assume you fulfill since you appear to still be employed. Now if only you could apply your work ethic to women, then everything would be kosher.
What’s most infuriating about this is that I know you’re interested, so you really have no excuse for your idiocy. I’d tell myself that you’re “just not that into” me, but all evidence (your unreliability notwithstanding) points to the contrary. In fact, I’m not sure I even understand how it’s possible that two people who are extremely attracted to each other and somewhat accessible to the other are not having incredibly hot sex or at the very least enjoying a good meal. This has turned into one of those situations where I would much prefer for you to disappear permanently rather than continually flake out at the last minute. If you’re going to exit my life, just do it. Don’t leave one foot in the door, don’t pursue me with renewed fervor, don’t anything.
People often ask me how much my life has changed since I started writing this blog (that you may or may not actually know about — hey, surprise!). I’d make out a list, but the simple answer is this: nothing is the same. I don’t know if I’ll ever quite get over the feeling of anxiety that attacks whenever I enter a room, and I’m pretty sure that Google cache will haunt me into my sixties. But the one thing I am very grateful for is that when shit hits the fan, suddenly you reach a startling clarity in regard to what is most important to you in life. And everything else recedes to the background.
So what is most important to me in life at the present? Figuring out how to make this writing thing work and enjoying the company of people who will support me in spite/because of my utter insanity. I have spent the past year dealing with the fallout from this website. A lot of it has been very, very ugly. Quite frankly, I don’t need negativity. If I wanted to feel shitty about myself, I’d reread hate mail and troll the AutoAdmit boards. No, thanks. If last fall taught me anything about surviving my remaining years at Harvard while still blogging, it’s that there’s no room for anything but positivity. So that’s pretty much my current life philosophy.
The people who are in my life are there because I love them, because they make me happy, and because their presence enriches my existence. I don’t have time or patience for bitter, unhappy people (anonymous online critics) any more than I have time or patience for busy, flaky people (you). The latter may not seem as bad as the former, but when it comes down to it, I don’t fit your schedule and you don’t fit my standards. I am not about to compromise my way of living for a guy who can’t even pencil me in for a one-hour slot or call to cancel.
In conclusion, this is not something an apology is going to fix. Actions — if by some miracle of God, you change them — are the only thing that will help. Please get with the program or get the fuck out.