Me: “What about this guy? He’s cute.”
Ann: “Too Californian.”
Me: “Really?”
Ann: “He’s hot in a my-grandparents-laid-the-Transatlantic-Railroad kind of way.”*
Me: “… wow. I’m pretty sure that’s not what his outfit is exuding.”

* Ann says, via email, “I meant Transcontinental Railroad!” not transatlantic, which woud be pretty crazy even with modern technology.
(Also, I think it’s pretty obvious this comment was tongue-in-cheek.)

ZAP: Is sex a team sport?

FM: No, it’s a competition!

“That wasn’t funny, babe. You’re just high.” — my best friend to her boyfriend of five years

CK: Always with the older men. Why don’t you play with children your own age?

Me: Because Aidan dumped sand on my ice cream cone.

CK: Aidan is just one boy. How many grown men have stomped the fuck out of your sand castle?

Me: “He’s an aspiring filmmaker who waits tables.”

Allie: “Standards, Lena. Standards!”

Me: “What are you talking about? He went to Brown!”

Allie: “Exactly.”